“Praise the Lord for his goodness, and bless the King of the ages, so that his tent may be rebuilt in you with joy” (Tobit 13:10).
Many years ago, after reading about the mental health benefits of practicing gratitude, I started encouraging a group of teenagers I was working with to include gratitude lists as part of their daily prayer practice. Studies have shown that individuals who regularly write out lists of things for which they are grateful subsequently report lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. Anecdotally, some of the teenagers who began writing daily gratitude lists shared that the practice did help them! One even confided that the practice had helped him overcome thoughts of suicide.
In the years since, I have seen this practice become more popular, with gratitude journals, meditations, and even quizzes proliferating. Researchers in the field of Positive Psychology report additional benefits for those who practice gratitude: they have better physical health, stronger interpersonal relationships, and are generally perceived as more likable.
Given all of this, I was surprised that people have begun to push back against the practice of gratitude. I recently listened to a podcast in which the practice was criticized as a form of escapism people use to avoid dealing with the grief and pain in their lives. The concern seems to be that many who engage in practices like writing daily gratitude lists do it as a kind of rote habit. It becomes a performative activity rather than an expression of authenticity. Perhaps the Catholic equivalent would be saying, “I’m blessed,” whenever somebody asks us how we are doing. We know it’s technically true, but we don’t actually feel it at that moment.
A few weeks ago, something happened that gave me insight into why journaling about gratitude may only temporarily work to make us feel better. Late one afternoon as I was pulling into my driveway, I saw one of my neighbors who has been especially kind and considerate to my family. Rather than smile and wave, I stopped, rolled down my window, exchanged pleasantries for a few seconds, and then locked eyes with him and said, “I really appreciate you. Thank you for looking out for us.” We both immediately choked up. I had expressed genuine, heartfelt gratitude, and he received it without trying to brush off the feeling or diminish anything he had done.
As I reflected on what made that expression of gratitude so particularly powerful, I realized that it had an object. It was directed to a very specific recipient. It was concrete. There was no vague or merely polite expression of thanks. I was not simply stating a feeling. Rather, I was acknowledging a relationship and the effort another person had made to foster that relationship. By saying “thank you,” I was essentially saying, “I see you, and I take nothing you are doing for granted.”
It is all too easy to make a daily gratitude reflection an exercise in self-absorption. We may focus on things we are proud of, things that have given us a hit of that feel-good hormone, dopamine, or things that we feel especially lucky to have. It is an altogether different exercise to reflect instead on what others have done for us out of kindness and generosity, focusing especially on those small actions that often go unnoticed and being grateful for them.
Practicing gratitude is a way of learning to see our reality differently. Instead of looking for insults, we look for love notes. As Christians, this is how we learn to recognize God’s goodness and grace permeating every aspect of our lives. By practicing true gratitude, we begin to pay attention to the manifold ways God makes his love manifest to us in each ordinary moment.
So, as we approach this season of thanksgiving and gift-giving, let’s try to look beyond the extravagant gestures and instead notice the small kindnesses: the stranger who smiles at you, the driver who sees your signal and lets you into their lane, the child who tries to clean up, the co-worker who is never too busy for a chat. Know that God is reaching out to you through their actions. And make sure to say, “I love you, Father, and I take nothing that anyone has done for me today and nothing you have done through them for granted.”
Amanda Alexander is currently the Director of the Department of Ministry Formation Institute for the Diocese and a parishioner of St. Adelaide in Highland. She has a Ph.D. in systematic theology and has taught at numerous Catholic universities.